Token Bloke

MICHAEL HOGAN

“Are you a tit man, a leg man or an arse man?”. If only it were that simple, says Michael Hogan.

Back when I was a Smiths-loving student, an intimidatingly blokey bloke – two years above me, bit lairy, vague air of Finchy from The Office – asked me: “So mate, are you a tit man, leg man or arse man?” I blushed and mumbled that I was a bit of everything. It was like he was carving up a chicken.

Fortunately, most men aren’t quite so ape-like that they can only point and grunt at one part of a lady. We appreciate boobs, bums and legs, sure, but we like other bits too. My male friends have all sorts of bodily peccadilloes. I know men who have “a thing” for backs, arms and calves (the leg muscles, not the baby cows). My mate Tom has a mild obsession with midriffs – not toned turbo-yoga ones but normal, slightly wobbly ones. He married a woman he chatted up on the Tube after her top rode up as she held onto the overhead straps. This makes him sound a bit like a sex pest. He is a bit.

I like a bit of shoulder/collarbone action myself. But the thing that first had me going poppy-eyes-droppy-jaw-tongue-loll-out about my missus was her sexy walk. On our first date, she crossed the room like a proper woman and I was pretty much sold right there. Proceed straight to Love Jail, do not pass Go, do not collect gastropub dinners or check Top 10 Films Of All Time list.

When us blokes see a woman naked for the first time, we don’t think “hmm, tits a bit saggy, arse too cellulitey”. We’re just excited she’s naked in the first place. Women don’t realise this, or get so wrapped up with insecurity and mixed messages they forget (WTF is cellulite anyway? You seem obsessed with it).

What’s this got to do with hair and beauty? Well, it’s a similar system with your facial area. You get eye men, mouth men, all sorts men. My former colleague Matt likes a girl with a big nose – bigger the better, none of this cute button stuff. My friend Johnny admires a lady’s philtrim (sounds rude but it’s just the groove on your upper lip). My old mate Andrew has a penchant for ladies who peep through their fringe, whereas Rob goes cross-eyed with desire when a woman tucks her hair behind the ear. Me? I like eyebrows, jawlines and the nape of her neck after a haircut.

So the lesson is this. Whatever perceived fault or problem area you think you have – skin not flawless, hair not Hollywood, cheekbones not jutty enough – we genuinely haven’t noticed. We’re far too busy being chuffed you’re across the pub table from us at all, with your fragrant aroma and high tinkling laugh. And we’re probably way too busy perving over your wrists and earlobes anyway.

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  • helsbels

    Brilliant article!

  • http://www.facebook.com/helen.harradine.3 Helen Harradine

    Reassuringly honest, thanks.

  • http://twitter.com/iamalysonlee Aly

    Love this, great article

  • Siobhan

    Really enjoyed this article.

  • Nic

    A writer that really does make me laugh out loud. This totally nails it and my husband agrees,

  • linzy la belle

    Excellent, really enjoyed!

  • http://www.facebook.com/sam.delacey.9 Sam Gtl

    Excellent! I love a good earlobe

  • http://www.facebook.com/sequinator.gtl Sequinator Gtl

    Really warm and lovely piece. And women are the same about men: it’s the sum of the parts, plus bonus extras (eye lashes, hairy arms…) x

  • http://www.facebook.com/samantha.messer.3 Samantha Messer

    I love this and truly hope it is how most men feel.

  • Jayne D

    Great article. My OH has a thing for long hair and glasses – luckily I have both!

  • gibbz

    FANTASTIC. x

  • http://www.facebook.com/cat.stratford.7 Cat Stratford

    Really nice article – like other commenters have said, it works both ways :o)

  • Carolyn Carter-Cash

    I like characterful noses. And beards. Hello Michael. 😉

  • Ida

    I couldn’t agree more. For me, it’s about the twinkle in the eyes.

  • Kay Worboys

    ‘…bit of a sex pest.’ Love it! My husband favours the larger nose, too. He is also partial to eye bags. Just as well, really. We now have twins.

  • Sparkle Motion

    This. Just this.
    And don’t get me started on strong arms…

  • http://www.facebook.com/beanie.gtl Beanie O’d

    This piece made me smile. Great writing x

  • katycoo

    brilliant and wonderful. a chap noticed i was wearing new blusher recently. it was probably the most freaked out i’d ever been, i barely knew i was wearing new blusher!

  • Ruby Scarlett

    Great piece, rings true.

  • SugarlipsB

    Such a reassuring article. My bloke is most definitely a tits man, if I shout, “I’m taking my top off” from any area of the flat he will come running, literally, to ogle. But he just adores my whole body, really, big wobbly belly and all. I’ve lost count of the number of times he has growled “Nnnnnhhhhh, you’re soooooo sexy!” at me.

    Incidentally, the parts you think of as “flaws” are often the parts others find so sexy. I had a brief thing with a bloke who was incredibly turned on by my disproportionately big and (yeah, let’s say it) floppy tummy/cake shelf. He liked to bury his face in it. I was bemused and very very glad.

  • wine&crisps&writing

    Great article, thank you! We also love men for all different reasons :)

  • Kay Worboys

    Nice hands, too. And cute ears. And that nape of neck thing works both ways too. And voice. God, I feel like a sex pest myself!

  • AngiePangie

    love this too!

  • Kath GTL

    Thank goodness for mature men – as in grown up, not old. Though they’re ok too.

  • betsymartian

    This is a very lovely article, TB. And also, collarbones are HOT.

  • http://www.facebook.com/fi.beckett Fi Beckett

    Well done, Hoges, excellent piece. I like your avatar also. And it’s absolutely true, someone will always find something attractive about everyone. And men don’t care about wobbly tums or cellulite really. Particularly when they are about to get laid.

  • jojobananas

    Just….awwww. I liked that a lot. Means there’s someone for us all…. *climbs off shelf and looks around*

  • Sue

    Brilliant article

  • Mariella (Musing on Beauty)

    Lovely piece :)

  • Rachel Grundy

    Love this. It’s so true that most men (and here I mean nice men who I’d want to go out with) are happy you WANT to get naked with them. It’s a two-way street – I have been in relationships with guys who are very self-conscious about their stomachs, or (ahem) size, when all I see is a guy I really like, who makes me laugh, has a twinkle in his eye and lovely smile and a body that does all the right things for me. But thank you for writing this piece, because so many women do feel so insecure about themselves, as evidenced by a discussion on this very topic today on the forum.

    Also, you’re cute. Lucky OH. :)

  • Julie H

    Great article and reassuring to know not all men like the “porn girl” type of woman.

  • Prudence manor

    Great article, funny and great to hear a proper man’s opinion

  • Louise Silverfox

    I have been trying to get my husband to commit to being a bum or tit man for years. I stand corrected. many thanks

    • StavRuler

      I bet he’s a silverfox hair man 😉

  • http://www.facebook.com/sarah.hunston Sarah Rose Hunston

    Thank you. Now feel much better (looks at fat reserves, sighs)

  • Jen Rochester

    Excellent warm and lovely piece of writing

  • http://twitter.com/misswhiplash jenniebaby

    This is so lovely :)

  • http://www.facebook.com/flojo.gtl Flojo Gtl

    Such a great piece. Genuine and warm and funny with it. Well done and thanks x

  • La Blaise

    this is an eye-opener…thanks for writing and sharing this article, Michael.

  • http://www.facebook.com/devon.clark.9843 Devon Clark

    Yes, this.

  • KatyinLondon

    What a lovely thing to read. I have finally found a guy who loves all of me but does obsess over my breasts. Great for the ego as I am on the cusp of 53. Good decent men are out there. My personal thing is a sense of humour and a hairy chest (his, not mine!)- sexy as hell.

  • http://www.facebook.com/kate.kitchendisco.9 Kate Kitchendisco

    Innit, though.

  • Dolly Bellfield

    I have heard this from a few male friends Michael. They don t care about wobbly bits they can t believe that you are going to have sex with them. thanks for a funny article.

  • Cuntpuffin

    Hilarious thank you :)

  • hepburn

    lovely piece, it’s nice to read stuff thats not all phroaaarrrrr arse, tits, drink, people are more than body parts, but sexy arms are a total bully bonus

  • http://www.facebook.com/cat.stratford.7 Cat Stratford

    It transpires my boyfriend has come on here, after I’ve been chatting on about SHB and agrees with all you have to say Mr Hogan. His favourites are eyes and a fringe. Luckily for me I have both (well all three if we’re being numerically accurate)

  • Kelly LeClare

    Love this! Very funny too.

  • Shirl

    My bloke says that women are supposed to be soft (in the body, not in the head). He says that he wouldn’t find a hard muscled woman attractive. A bit of squidge to the upper arms, belly and hips is like exploring a new world.

  • Rach27

    Love this piece. Put a big smile on my face. Ta. x

  • StavRuler

    This made me laugh. Thanks :)

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